I'm in pain. So much pain. Physical and mental. I can feel it with every breath, with every word. With everything.
It amazes me that I have been able to stay this strong for this long. It amazes me that I'm still able to fool everyone with my routine. My routine that consists of smiling, waving, talking without really thinking of what I'm saying. I'm either a very good actress or people are just to dumb and blind to see what's really wrong.
Maybe people do see what I'm feeling but they don't want to believe it so they pretend that they don't see. Just turn a blind. Only see the surface. Only seeing the smiles not the tears.
I don't know how many times I have cried out for help, begged from my knees for someone to see, only to have a blank look in return. I have learned how to just get on with my life. Try to ignore the feelings that I'm feeling.
Sometimes though, it gets to be too much. The feelings overwhelm me and I become a zombie. Only to prevent myself from crying.
I remember when I first started feeling depressed. Fourth grade. How many depressed fourth graders do you hear about that come from fairly good families? Happy families? Non-abusive families? Nearly none. I feel like such a cry baby.
