I'm in pain. So much pain. Physical and mental. I can feel it with every breath, with every word. With everything.
It amazes me that I have been able to stay this strong for this long. It amazes me that I'm still able to fool everyone with my routine. My routine that consists of smiling, waving, talking without really thinking of what I'm saying. I'm either a very good actress or people are just to dumb and blind to see what's really wrong.
Maybe people do see what I'm feeling but they don't want to believe it so they pretend that they don't see. Just turn a blind. Only see the surface. Only seeing the smiles not the tears.
I don't know how many times I have cried out for help, begged from my knees for someone to see, only to have a blank look in return. I have learned how to just get on with my life. Try to ignore the feelings that I'm feeling.
Sometimes though, it gets to be too much. The feelings overwhelm me and I become a zombie. Only to prevent myself from crying.
I remember when I first started feeling depressed. Fourth grade. How many depressed fourth graders do you hear about that come from fairly good families? Happy families? Non-abusive families? Nearly none. I feel like such a cry baby.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Life
Life. What is life? Are there qualifications for living. For example, do you have to be breathing on your own to be considered full of life?
Is life something science can explain or is it some unexplainable force?
Where does life come from? Is it what those of faith say and a divine gift or is it just some random cosmic accurance that happened totally by accident?
Everytime I start thinking on the topic of life I think of where life comes from and all that surrounds it. Such as, personality or your soul. How do you explain that?
Also, when I think of life I think of death.
I myself am an atheist and therefore I don't believe in an after life but I can't help but wonder, what happens when we die? Do we just become nothing? Nothing but a dark abyss and memories that will soon fade when the ones that kept them pass on also?
Or, are the Christians and others of religion correct when they speak of a "Heaven"? Is there truely such a wonderous place full of nothing but bliss and the miraculously healed loved ones that left us all to soon?
It frusterates me because that is an unanswerable question. No one has come back from the dead, well unless you count Christ, but that's only for those of you who are Christian or Catholic or whatever it's called.
Well, I think I covered all I wanted to cover for now.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read.
Yours Always,
~Sweet.Heartache~
Is life something science can explain or is it some unexplainable force?
Where does life come from? Is it what those of faith say and a divine gift or is it just some random cosmic accurance that happened totally by accident?
Everytime I start thinking on the topic of life I think of where life comes from and all that surrounds it. Such as, personality or your soul. How do you explain that?
Also, when I think of life I think of death.
I myself am an atheist and therefore I don't believe in an after life but I can't help but wonder, what happens when we die? Do we just become nothing? Nothing but a dark abyss and memories that will soon fade when the ones that kept them pass on also?
Or, are the Christians and others of religion correct when they speak of a "Heaven"? Is there truely such a wonderous place full of nothing but bliss and the miraculously healed loved ones that left us all to soon?
It frusterates me because that is an unanswerable question. No one has come back from the dead, well unless you count Christ, but that's only for those of you who are Christian or Catholic or whatever it's called.
Well, I think I covered all I wanted to cover for now.
Thank you for taking time out of your day to read.
Yours Always,
~Sweet.Heartache~
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Love
Love. Something no one can really understand.
It can bring us unimaginable pain and yet, we go running back for more. That makes no sense to me. Then again, I'm one of those fools who goes running back for yet another round of pain.
I guess it's the feeling of pure bliss when you're first starting out with love that keeps me coming back for more. I guess, something like that, makes everything worth it.
There are all different kinds of love.
There is relationship. The kind where you're in love. Where the mere sight of that person can make your heart pound a mile a minute. Where the sound of their voice makes your breath catch in your throat. Where you hang off their every word with complete and total fasination. Where they have complete and total control of you.
Then there is friendship love. The kind that makes you want to be the crap out of anyone that hurts them. Where you just want to see them smile because it makes you feel like smiling. Where you're related in every way but blood.
Here's something I once heard. "Friends are God's presents to us to make up for family."
Ha, ha. Sometimes I love that saying and totally understand it and others it makes no sense to me. It depends on how my "friends" and "family" are treating me at the moment.
Oh yeah, sorry. I kind of got off topic. Anyways...
The third and final (just final in my book, if you think of any other ways to love people, please e-mail me or something) way to love someone is much like the friendship love. Only this love is magnified by a thousand. Well at least that's how it is for me personally. If anyone hurts anyone in my family I know I want them to suffer what my family member suffered times a thousand. Then again, that's just me.
Well I guess that's all I have to say on the topic of love at the moment.
Thank you for taking your time to read this.
Your's Always,
~Sweet.Heartache~
It can bring us unimaginable pain and yet, we go running back for more. That makes no sense to me. Then again, I'm one of those fools who goes running back for yet another round of pain.
I guess it's the feeling of pure bliss when you're first starting out with love that keeps me coming back for more. I guess, something like that, makes everything worth it.
There are all different kinds of love.
There is relationship. The kind where you're in love. Where the mere sight of that person can make your heart pound a mile a minute. Where the sound of their voice makes your breath catch in your throat. Where you hang off their every word with complete and total fasination. Where they have complete and total control of you.
Then there is friendship love. The kind that makes you want to be the crap out of anyone that hurts them. Where you just want to see them smile because it makes you feel like smiling. Where you're related in every way but blood.
Here's something I once heard. "Friends are God's presents to us to make up for family."
Ha, ha. Sometimes I love that saying and totally understand it and others it makes no sense to me. It depends on how my "friends" and "family" are treating me at the moment.
Oh yeah, sorry. I kind of got off topic. Anyways...
The third and final (just final in my book, if you think of any other ways to love people, please e-mail me or something) way to love someone is much like the friendship love. Only this love is magnified by a thousand. Well at least that's how it is for me personally. If anyone hurts anyone in my family I know I want them to suffer what my family member suffered times a thousand. Then again, that's just me.
Well I guess that's all I have to say on the topic of love at the moment.
Thank you for taking your time to read this.
Your's Always,
~Sweet.Heartache~
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